Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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