Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
