WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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