I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
