I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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