I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
