Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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