If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
