it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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