hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
