i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
