I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
