i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
