I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
