He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
