does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
