I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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