I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
