I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
