Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
