my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
