I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
