I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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