my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
