Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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