I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
