she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
