You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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