we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
third nipple confirmed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
