I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i think i just lost a toe
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize