I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
