Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
