i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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