im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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