apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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