Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
