Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I love you. Go after that dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
