his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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