he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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