Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
