Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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