I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
