im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
