new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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