apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
