that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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