Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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