It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
