I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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