I met the friendliest cop last night
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
