Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
